Got a toothbrush?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
