it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
