i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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