nut hugger
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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