Where are you?
In a non slutty way
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
