Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
