My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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