Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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