the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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