you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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