When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
