part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
