he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
