he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
