just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize