I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
