Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
