If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
