I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
