I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
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