I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
