Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
