so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
