i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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