my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Are my feet made of real feet?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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