I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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