you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
