He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
my poor anus
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
