Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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