my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
