Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
