I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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