there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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