Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
My vagina is very pro this idea
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
