i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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