my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
