..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
