First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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