this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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