just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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