Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
