I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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