Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
