had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
