I wanna passion pit in your ass
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
