fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
