the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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