You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
