I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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