my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
