Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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