did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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