Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
