Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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