I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The feeling are messing with the penis
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
