If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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