Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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