Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
