I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
