So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
