watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
